PRETENTIOUS REPLIES….


Submitted by Miguel on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 15:24

 

 

The pretentious seem to always have a gracious way out of the trickiest situations.   Here are a few examples of the most common potentially embarrassing situations and the pretentious way out of them:

 

  

1.  BIG WORD.

Always have a ready retort  when you hear a word whose meaning you have absolutely no idea of. 

 

Bigger pretentious friend :   “Darling, I am quite peckish.  Shall we nosh?”

You, (with indignation) : "How can you say that in front of moi?", then you slap the bigger pretentious friend and walk out before friend realizes what just happened.

This buys you time to google the word and plan your excuse accordingly.

 

2. HIGH PRICE. 

No matter how rich you are or how high a price you are willing to pay for a branded but albeit stupidly common item, the marketeers will always find a way to catch you by surprise. 

 

You: “ I would like to buy 4 rolls of this Louis Vuitton toilet paper please”

Sales attendant:  “ That limited edition, Picasso inspired gold lined  toilet paper will be 400 Euros per roll”.

You : "Only?   Put that  on my running tab”

Following day have your assistant return it with a note that says "does not fit my Armani toilet seat!"

 

3. NO BRAND.  

On the rare occasions when you would be wearing an outfit by a non-designer, designer –

 

Your tyrannical pretentious friend “I really like your outfit, it looks sooo genuine.  By who is it?”

You :  "By my own personal collection. How could you  miss the launching in Istambul, darling!".

 

4. STALKING SHOPKEEPER.  

You all know this, you really do not intend to buy anything and yet -

 

Stalking shopkeeper working on commission “Is there anything in particular you are looking for?”
You “I am looking to be inspired, and it will not come if you keep stalking me around. So go get me some bubbles, NOW!”

 

5. CUSTOMS DECLARATION. 

But the best pretentious retort award goes to Oscar Wilde who, when asked by NY Customs Officer if he has anything to declare- he answered " I have nothing to declare but  my genius".